It鈥檚 almost impossible to know what to say to someone in the throes of grief. We all want to say something comforting. Very few of us know what that is.
I鈥檝e learned this the hard way. My beloved husband of 23 years died at the end of July, two years after being diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer. Since then, I鈥檝e seen friends and neighbours struggle for the right words, and I鈥檝e been surprised by how even the kindest questions can set me off.
There鈥檚 no one right answer, of course. What is helpful for me may not work for someone else, and words that I find off-putting may be the perfect balm for another person. Still, trading notes with a few grieving people, including my own children, I鈥檝e found some helpful do鈥檚 and five unexpected don鈥檛s.
You鈥檇 be surprised how loaded this basic question can feel. A caring friend wants to know how you鈥檙e doing. What could possibly be wrong with that?
The problem, my kids and I realized, is that it鈥檚 a near-impossible question to answer. Our feelings of grief change by the hour, sometimes by the minute, so there鈥檚 no answer that will stand the test of time. Do you mean how am I this very second? I can answer that, but my answer might change a second later. Do you mean how are we coping in life? The answer is, we don鈥檛 know yet.
We find it easier to answer less overarching questions, such as, how was college drop-off? How was the first day of school? How was dinner last night? Specific questions are less challenging than existential ones.
I鈥檝e had to dig deep to figure out why this generous question from well-meaning friends doesn鈥檛 sit right. I think it鈥檚 because it puts the onus on the griever to help the helper. The helper wants to figure something out 鈥 but those of us who are grieving are in no position to help. We often can鈥檛 articulate, and might not even know, what we want or need.
Here鈥檚 something that worked really well: neighbours who, without asking, dropped off a tray of lasagna or cookies or flowers or fill-in-the-blank. They didn鈥檛 ring the doorbell. They didn鈥檛 call to find out if we liked lasagna or if we鈥檇 be home. They simply left something on the doorstep. One helpful friend showed up at my house and immediately rolled up her sleeves and started doing my sink full of dishes. She didn鈥檛 ask. She just dived in.
One recent morning, as I struggled to summon the energy to open the fridge and figure out breakfast for the kids and me, I watched a delivery truck back into our driveway. Out came bags of bagels, platters of cream cheese, smoked salmon, fresh fruit and a carton of hot coffee sent by my colleagues. That morning, I did not have the forethought to say, 鈥淵ou know, I could really go for a bagel and coffee right now,鈥 but it turns out that鈥檚 exactly what we needed.
One of my teenage daughters, a theatre kid, explained to me why this phrase really rubs her the wrong way: It reveals a curious lack of creativity.
Here鈥檚 what she wanted to ask her friends who said this: Really? You鈥檝e never imagined losing a parent? Have you ever seen a movie about loss or death? 鈥淭he Fault in Our Stars,鈥 perhaps? How 鈥榖out 鈥淭he Lion King鈥? Were you dry-eyed when Mufasa died, or did you cry and feel Simba鈥檚 pain? My daughter鈥檚 hunch is that you can, in fact, imagine a devastating loss, but you don鈥檛 want to imagine it for yourself or have to think of how sad this is for us.
That鈥檚 understandable. We want to protect you from our pain, too. But the statement has the unintended effect of isolating us on a grief island, as though loss was somehow singularly ours. So instead of putting our feelings in an unimaginable silo, try relating to us. Say something like, 鈥淚 remember when I lost my X and I felt X鈥. Or maybe share a specific memory like 鈥淚 really enjoyed watching your dad coach you in soccer. I鈥檓 going to miss that.鈥
A statement like that lets us know we鈥檙e not alone.
I was surprised when friends, particularly friends my age, said this. I鈥檓 in the news business, so I think my notion of life 鈥渂eing fair鈥 vanished somewhere in the middle of covering yet another senseless school shooting. I鈥檝e long since stopped thinking of life as being neatly organized into fair and unfair categories.
Instead of trying to untangle grief from injustice, I鈥檝e started the practice of radical acceptance. This concept was introduced to my husband and me by our grief counselor immediately after his diagnosis. It goes something like this: Some things in life are glorious, and some things suck. Try to accept life on its own terms and deal with the hand you鈥檙e dealt.
Radical acceptance has been a game-changer for me and how I tackle the tough stuff. Instead of asking, 鈥淲hy me?鈥 or 鈥淗ow can life be so unfair?鈥 I say, 鈥淭his is what I鈥檓 dealing with. What鈥檚 the best way forward?鈥
Before I was thrust into grief, I would not have understood how a loving gesture from a friend could ever feel uncomfortable. Now I do.
Those of us grieving need to pace ourselves. It鈥檚 draining to grieve for too long on any given day, so we titrate the pain. I find myself carefully carving out chunks of time to read condolence cards and respond to sympathy emails because I need to conserve energy to attend to the stuff of life: my kids鈥 needs, my work schedule, unpaid bills, returning my husband鈥檚 leased car.
Being wrapped in grief does not allow me to function the way I need to. Friends who arrived at my door teary-eyed forced the unintended response of me having to grieve with them on their timetable, rather than my own. Sometimes it felt as though I had to comfort them and help them cope with the loss, which was counterproductive for my mental state. If you do feel compelled to show up at the doorstep of someone who has just suffered a loss, try to bring laughter and lightness with you to help alleviate the grief load on them.
What worked beautifully for us was receiving a lovingly composed letter, email or text, expressing someone鈥檚 emotions. I could read the message on my own schedule, at a time I had chosen for reflection. One dear friend sent a lacquered box where I can store condolence cards and keep coming back to when I want to remember the deep impact my husband had on our community.
Remember, it鈥檚 okay to say you don鈥檛 know what to say. It鈥檚 also okay to wait a beat before saying it. Last week, I got a text from an old friend who I鈥檇 not heard from in the months since my husband鈥檚 death. She said, 鈥淚 haven鈥檛 found the right words to text you.鈥
I knew exactly what she meant, and somehow those words felt just right.
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