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    • Who pays for the wedding? Traditional etiquette doesn't always hold

    A bride and groom pose for wedding pictures at the Bethesda Terrace in New York's Central Park on May 23, 2017. (AP Photo/Mary Altaffer, File) A bride and groom pose for wedding pictures at the Bethesda Terrace in New York's Central Park on May 23, 2017. (AP Photo/Mary Altaffer, File)
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    NEW YORK CITY -

    Attire, travel, food, liquor, flowers: There's no end to expenses when it comes to traditional weddings.

    Through time, though certainly not always, it was the bride's parents who were expected to pay the bulk of expenses, but like so many aspects of weddings, the etiquette has gotten more fluid. The ages of first-time bridal couples is going up. Parents might be older too, and thinking about saving for retirement or already on fixed incomes.

    So who pays and how much?

    Now, 鈥渋t鈥檚 really a candid conversation" between the couple and those who might want to contribute, said Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute and co-host of the 鈥淎wesome Etiquette鈥 podcast.

    鈥淥ften it鈥檚 parents, but that鈥檚 not the case for everybody,鈥 she said. 鈥淣ever assume that anyone else is going to contribute to your wedding.鈥

    Jove Meyer, a wedding planner and designer in New York, agreed.

    鈥淲e have found over the years that it鈥檚 definitely shifted,鈥 he said. 鈥淚t's hard to talk about money, but it's one of the most important questions couples have to ask.鈥

    Among U.S. users of the wedding planning site The Knot, parents on average contribute slightly more than half the wedding budget, with bridal couples covering the rest, said editor Sarah Hanlon.

    Age and resources

    The ages of first-time couples have steadily risen for both men and women since 1998. The median age for men getting married for the first time was 30.2 last year, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. It was 28.4 for women. In 1947, the medians were 23.7 for men and 20.5 for women.

    鈥淎s couples marry later in life and are often more financially established, many choose to cover the majority of expenses, or even the entire wedding, themselves, sometimes accepting contributions from their families as a gesture of support rather than obligation,鈥 said Myka Meier of Beaumont Etiquette in New York.

    In other cases, parents might have saved over the years with a wedding fund.

    What does a wedding cost?

    The average combined cost of a non-destination wedding ceremony and reception last year among U.S. users of The Knot was US$35,000. That was up by about US$5,000 from 2022, likely due to inflation and the overall economic landscape. The average cost of a destination wedding and reception was US$41,000. First marriages tend to be more expensive than second marriages.

    Meyer said weddings can cost far more in places like New York City, where he sees costs as high as US$100,000 plus.

    Many young people look to Pinterest, Instagram and TikTok for wedding ideas, he said. The issue: Posters put up lovely photos with no price tags.

    鈥淚 think a lot of couples today, not to their own fault, have no idea what a wedding costs,鈥 he said.

    Who used to pay what

    Etiquette on ponying up was clearer in the past.

    The list for the bride鈥檚 side was long: the engagement party, wedding planner, invitations, photography, videography, venue, bride鈥檚 attire, floral arrangements, decor, wedding cake, most reception expenses and more.

    Among a groom鈥檚 responsibilities: The marriage license and officiant fee, corsages and boutonni猫res for family members on both sides, rehearsal dinner costs and, sometimes, alcohol for the reception.

    All of those costs are now an open question for many couples for a number of reasons.

    Gay weddings

    Many of the couples that Meyer sees paying for weddings themselves are same-sex couples, and couples who face a lot of unwanted strings attached to money offered by parents.

    鈥淭he people who are paying are those with the resources and/or those with the most requests. Money is power. With same-sex couples, more and more they鈥檙e paying for it themselves. That鈥檚 the largest number for sure,鈥 he said.

    Added Hanlon, of The Knot: 鈥淣ow more than ever, couples are tossing out traditional wedding etiquette rules, especially those that are gendered or based on heteronormative relationships.鈥

    Cultural considerations

    Meier, the etiquette expert, noted that religious and cultural norms often dictate which family pays for the wedding, and how much they spend.

    If steadfast etiquette isn't in place, Nick Leighton of the etiquette podcast 鈥淲ere You Raised by Wolves?" said it's increasingly common for expenses to be shared among both families and the couple.

    鈥淓ach party contributes what they wish,鈥 he said. 鈥淭hat often means that each party will contribute a different amount, which is perfectly reasonable.鈥

    Opting to spend the money on something else

    With bridal couples getting older, wedding costs often collide with other pricey desires, like buying a home.

    And parents who have saved up to make their children's wedding dreams come true are more often leaving it up to offspring to decide what to spend those nest eggs on.

    At 55, Tammy Mickle in Holland Patent, New York, is a semi-retired school teacher, working three days a week come fall. Her husband retired several years ago. Their only child, a 24-year-old daughter, is a school social worker living at home while she saves money. She and her boyfriend of about two years recently broke up.

    The Mickles have been socking away money every week for their daughter's wedding, amassing about US$60,000. That's US$5,000 less than their daughter makes in a year.

    鈥淪he's been looking at houses recently and just the other night said, Mom, do you think instead of using that money for my wedding, could I use it for a house now? I was like, if that鈥檚 what you want to use it for that鈥檚 fine.鈥

    Other parents said they, too, are leaving it up to the kids to decide how to spend wedding funds. Meyer warns that the money may not be enough in the long run to fulfill the wedding fantasies of their kids.

    鈥淥f course, wealthy people have the resources to do what they like,鈥 he said. 鈥淲e tell everyone a wedding isn't worth going into debt for. You know, it鈥檚 an amazing party, but what else in your life are you looking forward to?鈥

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