What do you get when you marry Douglas Fairbanks' 1924 classic "The Thief of Bagdad," Errol Flynn's 1935 rouser "Captain Blood" and a super-hot video game?
You get "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time," an adventure fantasy that promises to transport us to faraway realms but leaves us stranded in the desert sun with stale dates to chew on.
On paper, at least, "Prince of Persia" must have seemed amazing.
Director Mike Newell ("Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire") and producer Jerry Bruckheimer ("Pirates of the Caribbean") envisioned an old-school Hollywood swashbuckler with all the 3-D trimmings modern audiences could want.
Spawning another hit Disney franchise couldn't hurt either.
"Pirates" has earned more than US$2.6 billion worldwide. Surely a "Prince" could top that?
For all its good intentions, that magical, breathless charm that made Fairbanks' thief soar in our imaginations and Flynn's brave captain stir our blood is missing in action.
Where's the fun guys? I mean the real, honest-to-goodness "Wow!" factor?
Maybe it's hidden in the protein bars Jake Gyllenhaal downed to get his body so buff?
Maybe we'll find it if we press the button on "The Dagger of Time," the time-reversing artifact everyone wants in this sword-and-sand caper?
"Prince of Persia" is a good enough popcorn guzzler to keep audiences decently amused. But the exhilaration we hoped for has taken off on Aladdin's rug and it isn't coming back.
Jake the great? Not exactly
A street urchin by birth, young Dastan (William Foster) is adopted by King Sharaman (Ronald Pickup) after he witnesses an amazing feat in the local market.
When a waif is threatened by one of the King's guards, Dastan puts his own life in peril to save the boy.
This fleet-of-foot pauper flies over rooftops, defying gravity at every turn to outrun the soldiers.
Good King Sharaman watches on and thinks; "Now this kid could keep my two royal sons in line."
Just like that Dastan is whisked off to the royal court and turned into -- Jake Gyllenhaal!
A decade later, Prince Dastan is a daring adventurer. He's loyal. He wrestles with the King's soldiers, running circles around his opponents.
Dastan's blue-blood brothers (Richard Coyle, Toby Kebbell) count on him, especially as they storm the sacred city of Alumut against the King's wishes.
"Alamut has weapons that could destroy the empire," their treacherous uncle Nizam (Ben Kingsley) hisses. "Take the city by force before it's too late."
Alamut is taken. Its leader, Princess Tamina (Gemma Arterton) is bullied by her conquerors. And without any warning, a mysterious dagger that turns back time falls into Dastan's honest hands.
Plenty of swords and sand, but no soul
The 3-D adventure that follows comes with double-crossing sheiks, mean-spirited ostriches and the usual "I hate you, I love you" romance that blossoms between Dastan and Tamina.
If you close your eyes and listen, you could swear Arterton was imitating Rachel Weisz from 1999's "The Mummy."
Where Weisz brought real wit, charm and humour to "The Mummy's" heroine, Evelyn Carnahann, Arterton does little more than manoevure around like a cardboard poster on a beauty-shop counter.
Even Princess Jasmine from 1992's animated hit "Aladdin" delivers more verve and sparkle.
Kingsley's quiet, seething menace is as sharp and well-cut as his noble goatee.
As for Gyllenhaal, an actor best-known for dramatic roles, he gets points for trying something new.
His British accent never falters. He's appropriately ripped and roguish. But where oh where is that debonair devil-may-care that made Fairbanks, Flynn or Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow shine?
My guess it's on a magic carpet speeding back to the "Pirates of the Caribbean."
Two and a half stars out of four.
